Children Need Stationary Landing Pads, Not Helicopters

Parents who hover rob their children of confidence in certain constants.

Photo by Isaac Benhesed on Unsplash

“Helicopter parents” came on the scene decades ago as the first wave of latchkey kids grew up, had their own children, and decided they would be much more attentive to their offspring than their parents were. That may sound like a positive turn of events, but what sounds good in theory often doesn’t always lead to the intended outcome. 

It is essential to distinguish between being an involved and intentional parent and being a helicopter parent. The first realizes the tremendous privilege and responsibility bestowed upon them and understands the importance of setting clear boundaries, establishing expectations, providing support, and stepping back to let children experience success and failure as learning opportunities. The second sees the child’s success or failure in life as a reflection of themselves, so they tend to “hover” over him to ensure nothing ever goes wrong. The problem with a parent “hovering” over a child is that it often leads to constantly shifting boundaries and expectations and few opportunities to learn from personal struggles and failures.

The unintended consequence of hovering is often stunted maturity in the child and lack of self-confidence needed to face challenges and difficult situations later in life. As Dory tells Marlin in Finding Nemo, “You can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him.” A natural part of life is learning to persevere when things get tough or to get up and try again after you fail. Children whose parents never let them experience natural consequences or fail are robbed of this opportunity.

Another common outcome of helicopter parenting is that children find the “helicopter pad” empty as they become young adults and eventually seek a safe and constant landing spot. When parents hover over or alongside their children, they tend to lose their bearings right along with them. Some parents wander from their values, faith foundation, and even marriages to maintain close proximity and involvement in their children’s lives. The result is often broken hearts, homes, and families. 

It is doubtful any parent intends to hover over or micro-manage their child’s life. Most are likely caught off guard by the intensity of love they feel for him and their desire to protect him from the world's dangers. That is understandable and commendable, but it must be tempered if the goal is to raise independent, mature, confident, and healthy adults.

Rather than hovering like a helicopter trying to direct and control a child’s every move and decision, parents need to be the firmly anchored vessels that can roll with the waves that naturally come with raising children while never becoming dislodged from their values, beliefs, and truth. This may lead to some tense or turbulent times between parents and children. Still, just as repeatedly exposing your muscles safely and healthily to tension builds physical strength; fortitude and character can be strengthened through these travails.

Children need involved parents. They need intentional parenting. Most of all, they need parents whose convictions, values, and beliefs are not inclined to change like shifting sand. They do not need hovering micro-managers but supportive, strong mentors and guides who are firmly anchored in solid ground.